Parrot Talk  

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''

''That's alright,'' the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, ''The Lord is above us.''

The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''

The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''

The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Get Away From my Deer!  

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag （猎捕）the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”（你干什么？） Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, （烦透了） says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
 
此女与赵高有得一比。只不过赵高指鹿为马，她却指马为鹿。

Would You Marry Again, Scummy（人渣）?  

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

Golf Genie  

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

我扔一块砖：

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for$5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shippedhome.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,and three days
later, he rose from the dead."
He continued: "I just can't take that chance..."

一个男人跟他唠叨挑剔的夫人到耶路撒冷度假去了。不过在度假期间，他的夫人去世了。殡仪馆职员就告诉那个男人：“你可以选择将她的遗体送回家乡，费用是$5000；也可以选择将她葬于圣城（耶路撒冷），费用只是$150”。

那男人想了想，就告诉殡仪馆职员他要将太太的遗体运回家去。殡仪馆职员就问了：“能身葬圣地是求之不得的事呀！况且还只是花150元。你干吗要花5000元将太太的遗体运回家去呀？

那男人回答道：很久以前也有一个人，死在这里、葬在这里，三天后复活.....我可不能冒这个险！

[quote]引用第44楼orlando于2007-04-02 18:43发表的  :

Hahahaha! Pretty funny!

转贴：
一封员工要求加薪的英文信，以及老板的回信



Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be
under$tanding of the need$ of u$ . worker$ who have given $o much $upport
including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih



第二天，她收到了老板的回信：

Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard.NOwadays,NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if
the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember
presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 yrs.old, can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 yr. old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband:

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 yrs.old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs. old.  As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I wi ll be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 yrs.old.  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.