Lifestyle, Gardening, and Culinary Writer.

Kate and I met for coffee countless times during our 20-year friendship. We would talk about whatever came into our minds, bouncing from topic to topic and coming back to another with the fluidity and ease of longtime, close friends. There was always lots of laughter and a big hug right before we parted with our usual “see you again soon” promise, but today was different.

In less than 48 hours she would be at the airport, one-way ticket in hand. She was moving to the city where her two grown children and their young families now resided. She would leave behind the only town she ever lived in and her network of lifelong friends.

I sat at a table facing the door. Minutes later, Kate arrived. I hardly recognized the woman approaching me. The last time I saw her, she looked so tired. But now she was radiant. The frowns and lines that pinched her face had somehow magically been replaced with a beautiful beaming smile. Looking at me was the face of a woman who had struggled to make a significant change in her life and was now savoring the hard-won victory.

On the drive home, I thought about some of the changes that occurred in my own life and the lives of those around me. Sometimes the changes are ones that we initiate, like Kate’s decision to move, and sometimes they are thrust upon us. Sometimes the change is life-affirming and exciting, like when we meet that special someone, get an unexpected promotion, or adopt a new puppy. And sometimes the change is a challenge to our psyche and spirit, such as the loss of a job or the departure of a loved one.

The ultimate impact of change on our lives depends on how successful we are at managing it. So whether the changes are initiated by us or happen to us, what can we do to make them positive life transitions?

First let’s talk about the changes we choose to make. When you make the decision to change something in your life, chances are it’s because you have been experiencing unrest or dissatisfaction at some level. There’s a wealth of self-help information and counseling that can be useful as you weigh the pros and cons of any contemplated change in your life and develop your strategy for making it happen. But no one can help you with the biggest challenge—the challenge of letting go of the old before you can grab hold of the new.

That’s the scary part of making any change, and it is yours alone to do. It’s usually the point where we beat a hasty retreat back to what “is,” thinking that the certainty of misery is better than the misery of uncertainty. At some point we have to step into, and be suspended in, the void between releasing the old and embracing the new. The proverbial “leap of faith” has to be taken.

Successful life changes are best made when they are well thought-out and well planned. If you have taken the time to clearly think about the desired change, and have put into place the necessary resources to make it happen, the change will be that much easier to initiate and manage. It took my friend Kate a few years of soul searching and counseling to make the decision to move. Did she have everything figured out? She claims she didn’t, but she knew there was no victory in blaming anyone else for her unhappiness and that the solution to change her circumstances resided solely in her hands.

She was tired of playing “what if” and being paralyzed by indecision. There finally came a time when she knew she would never have all the answers but had to trust in herself. Yes, those years of assessment and planning were important. But of equal importance was her confidence in herself to take the leap of faith. I think the hardest changes to adapt to, good or bad, are those that life hands to us. The ones that make us come face-to-face with a life decision before we may be ready to move in that direction.

I remember the night my husband asked me to marry him. I had been anticipating the question for months and yet when the time came, I was dumbfounded. All I could mutter was a very ungracious, “I’ll have to think about it.” Not at all how I imagined that scenario going by a long shot. I later wondered: What happened? I was seized by fear of change. Could I guarantee a happy second marriage for both of us? No. But I had explored all the pros and cons in my head for what seemed like a million times and felt that the positives clearly outweighed the negatives. I regained my ability to speak within a few minutes and, after 13 years, so far so good. Not perfect, as few things ever are, but good.

When change is forced upon us, we tend to magnify the negatives even when the positives might be in the majority. We’re human. We’re set in our ways and our life patterns. And if we see the change as a loss to us, we may feel victimized and drop into the deep well of asking, “Why me?” We fight the change. We feel resentment. We struggle. But upon reflection and the passage of time, we do come out on the other side. We finally begin to focus on a new, and often better, path.

Kate sent me an e-mail message when she arrived at her son’s house. She said she still could not quite believe that she was there after all the years of hoping and planning. And she admitted that she wasn’t sure how it would all turn out. “But, I do know one thing,” she wrote. “Changes are part of life. In fact, they are life. Fighting them when they happen to you or putting off making them when they’re necessary just delays our happiness. And whatever changes I need to make or that come my way, I am prepared to face them with courage, faith, and dignity.”

I smiled when I read her message and hoped that when the next big change comes into my life that I would be able to say the same about me.

Great essay. Thanks for sharing.